11/24/2024

I've given up on schooling. My chronic nerve pain keeps deteriorating and rearing its ugly head more than it has the last few years. The earliest a fuckin doctor can see me is March so until then it's just suffer everyday, barely able to move half the time without pills, but too many pills and I'll fuck my organs. I'm barely getting any of the personal work I want done let alone games cuz of whatever fucking nerve issue has been festering in my back for 14 years. When I was 12 I was trampled in a stampede started by some older boys in my middle school who bulldozed people in the hallway for fun. With one random, senseless act my body has declined ever since. Work is technically out the question for the reason that half the time I can't function, though my situation forces me to keep trying but even Data Entry won't so much as respond to my old office resume. In all honesty I've also accepted the fact that there's nothing I want in this world. There's no career I want to pursue in any way. There's no grand goals I set for myself. I desire nothing but chasing my whims. All is vanity. The human race has been doing the same pointless shit since our inception, continuing the same problems, starting the same conflicts, and pursuing the same selfish joys. Raping the planet as much as each other all the while. The only constant is that we die after playing our part in the loop. I have felt this way since I could walk, but it's taken me this long to embrace it as truth. We've never once gone forward really, at the core of our existence, only changed the drapes so to speak on how we dress or what tech has been created or rediscovered. That's why now I just don't care anymore, or rather I won't pretend to care anymore about anyone. We are all replacable. Just the newest iterations of people who were like us before and preceding those just like each of us who will come after until we're finally extinct. I think I want to live for that, deep deep down. I want to live to see the human race die. I want to see what will replace us once we're gone. If I could live that much longer into the future while experiencing as much as I can until then, maybe I'll be satisfied. How can you be human and live when the condition to many knowing peace has always, always come at the exploitation of others? How is that ever fair? There is no such thing as a good person or sanity, only the rare instances someone Chooses a kind or sane act. I feel no hope for the human animal as a concept, because the human animal as a concept cannot love, it merely discriminates. But those rare moments of reason have the most value of all, and sadly it's lightning in a bottle. I'm not making myself chase anything I don't want to chase anymore, unless not doing so would literally kill me or destroy the path to something I want. Our lives are fleeting yet instead all we've ever managed is meat bickering with meat.